A blog about my struggles with faith and fertility.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
In His hands
I have a controlling personality. I'm not afraid to admit it. So naturally when I didn't get pregnant as quickly as I wanted,I knew I had to take control of my situation. So I researched, read books, made doctors appointments, had labs done and learned everything I could about my body. I was very proactive! But all in all, I learned a whole lot of useless information. It didn't matter how much I knew, I still did not have control of the situation or the outcomes. Countless tries all turned out in the same result...negative pregnancy test. It felt like it was bad news piled on top of more bad news. With each doctor's visit, it felt like I was being pushed deeper into a hole that I could not get out of. As you can imagine, the level of frustration and anxiety of not knowing what will happen or even how to help it. My doctors couldn't even figure it out...so why would I? But then something wonderful happened, someone told me to pray for peace! What a concept? This is something I had never thought of doing before. I knew how to pray for a baby and had done that on a daily basis, but it never occurred to me to pray for peace. As I sat in mass one Sunday morning I listened to the passage of John 14:27 where Jesus says to his disciples "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid". I thought, well if it worked for them it might work for me. So I did. That day instead of praying for a positive pregnancy test, I prayed for peace. In a matter of days I went from a crazy obsessed worried bitter person, to being filled with complete bliss, confidence and peace. I realized that I was looking for the solution in the wrong places, I needed to let go and trust God. I was immediately lifted from the dark deep hole and felt light as air. I'm sure that this is what Prozac or any of those drugs must feel like, but better! I'm here to tell you today that no matter what you are going through, God can be the rope that pulls you out of your hole. Not only does He fill you with peace, He will also take care of the problem for you. You can rest assure that He has a solution and knows the way to your fertility. He knows it all and knows exactly when and how you will conceive. All you need to do is trust and all He wants you to do is trust. Here's another great passage "I am the way of life, he who comes to me will not hunger, and he who believes in me will never thirst" (John 6:35) What a wonderful relief, to know that I can leave it all in his hands. I no longer need to worry or obsess. He is the guide and the solution. As Dr. Tony Evans says "Peace doesn't mean you won't have problems, peace means your problems won't have you". So put it in His hands. Let Him deal with the situation and show you the solution. I pray that you too can be filled with his peace.
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